5.20.2001

Why does this weekend seem long and endless? I really don't like the weekends all that much anymore. Most of the Kappa Sigmas went down to OSU. I've just kind of been hanging around with whoever is here. I feel like I'm floating through space and time. I'm not bothered, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm just kind of doing whatever happens to come along. I like having a sense of purpose. I don't like just waiting around to see what happens next. I like taking control and making plans. Today I woke up and decided that I'm going to go to the park and read all day with a big Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks. Maybe someone will come down and join me. Just relaxing in the park talking with people who I have been growing distant from.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday and he said, "I can talk to you but I don't trust you. It's not your fault that I don't trust you. I don't trust anyone right now. And I don't really care that I don't trust anyone." Hmm.

I bought yummy things for lunch today! Turkey sandwich, quarts of fresh strawberries, carrot and celery sticks with onion dip. Maybe Dave will make artichokes for dinner. That would be lovely.

My sister's junior Prom was yesterday. My mother was so happy that she was going. I guess she is relieved that one of her daughters turned out normal.

This is the most evil drug ever made. I have stopped taking them.

5.19.2001

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I was riding a bicycle down an empty deserted road. I was pedaling fast. I don't know where I was going. The road was wet, as if it had just rained. I slipped and I fell on my right side, still holding onto the bike. My entire right side was being torn up on the pavement like a high powered cheese grater. I felt my knee and cheek being scraped hard against the cement. I closed my eyes and put my hands out in front of me to stop myself. I finally stopped and sat up on the side of the road. My head was spinning and I couldn't see straight. I looked up and saw a man walking past me, glancing at me. For some reason this frightened me because I knew he was going to harm me. I got up and tried to run away from him but I was injured so badly that I couldn't run very fast. He caught up with me, laughing this scary maniacal laugh. He ran past me, put his arm out, grabbed me around the neck, and threw me to the ground. I was so badly hurt that I knew this was going to kill me. Then I woke up.

It was 3:01am. I had been asleep for less than two hours although it seemed like the dream would never end. My heart was racing and I almost started to cry. Dave was curled up in bed next to me. We went to bed with this unsaid tension between us. He had a bad night, I said something to make him feel better, and he misunderstood what I was saying and got a bit upset. "I was just trying to make you feel better," is the last thing I said before we went to sleep. I wanted to wake him up and tell him about my dream and ask him to hold me. I needed to be touched. I needed to touch him. He was having a dream and talking in his sleep. Then he rolled over on his stomach and started snoring. I lay there quietly, trying to decide if my need to touch him was more important that his slumber. I have never felt such a deep need to touch someone before in my entire life. My body felt hollow, and the feel of his warm skin on his fingertips could fill me up again. I decided not to wake him up, although I'm sure he wouldn't have minded. I gently brushed my fingers against his right shoulder, just barely grazing the scar where he had a mole removed and another where he got hit with a javelin in high school. His skin felt like velvet, even where the scars were. I wanted to whisper, "I love you," but I didn't because I never do, because I am afraid he might hear me. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

I never love people more than I do when they are asleep. I could sit awake for hours just watching him sleep, listening to his breathing and the sounds of slumber. He is so beautiful when he sleeps. When you sleep in the same bed with someone, you make yourself incredibly vulnerable. His life was in my hands; I could have easily killed him at any moment and he would have been completely helpless. I don't know why I equate vulnerablity with beauty. But when he's asleep, I can imagine that he loves me. I can pretend that I am everything he's ever wanted. I can see him in his purest form and just for a second, I am allowed to be in love with him.

1.29.2001

None of my clothes fit. My pants are all way too big, and my shirts don't fit right. This is the downside to having lost twenty five pounds. Not being thin, but not being able to afford new clothes.

1.25.2001

> How often do you cry?
Rarely. When I do, it's alone. Ballpark, I'd say once or twice a month.

> What makes you cry the easiest?
Loneliness.

> What makes you really really happy?
Coors Lights, random people being nice, SNL.

> Has anyone close to you ever died?
Where shall I begin? My father, both my paternal grandparents, two uncles, a close family friend.

> Has anyone close to you ever committed suicide?
My father.

> How many funerals have you been to?
I've lost count. I'd say upwards of thirty.

> Have you ever cried over the death of a celebrity?
I cried when Kurt Cobain died. I was thirteen.

> What would be the scariest way to die (in your opinion)?
Being burned to death.

> What do you do in your spare time?
Drink beer, read books, have intellectual conversations, watch SNL, talk to my mom.

> What are some of your fave restaurants?
Dojo's on W.4th in NYC, Dots in Portland.

> On average, how many times a week/month do you go out to eat?
When I had money, I ate out about once a week. Now I hardly ever do.

> What time do you wake up in the morning?
Between eight and ten.

> What is your natural sleeping pattern?
Stay up late, get six to eight hours of sleep, wake up at a reasonable hour.

> What made you decide to have sex for the first time?
I was sick of being a virgin. Lovely reason, isn't it?

> What's your preferred method of birth control?
The Pill, the Pill, the glorious glorious Pill...

> How many rooms does your house have?
Four. My lil' apartment.

> What would be your ideal living arrangement?
I am in my ideal living arrangement. I live alone.

> How many times have you moved in your life?
Twice. Once to the other side of town in NY, and recently out to Portland.

> What city/state would like to live in?
Well, since I'm in Portland now...San Diego, San Francisco, NYC (if I could afford it).

> Have you ever lived on your own?
Yep, right now.

> Who do you live with now?
Me, myself, and I.

> What do you do on weekends?
Clean my apartment, drink way too much.

> Do you enjoy alone time?
Yeah, it's nice. I have a lot of time to reflect and be introspective.

> Who do you spend most of your time with?
Frank and Austin. In NY, it was Chris and my mom.

> If you were stranded at home for a weekend, without a computer or a tv, what would you do to entertain yourself?
Clean, play CDs, run around my apartment naked singing five hundres Japanese war chants.

> What is one thing you would love to learn (it doesn't have to be school related)?
I'd love to learn German. It's the language of philosophy. I already speak Spanish, French, and Latin.

> What are you really good at (writing, art, music, acting, etc.)?
School and conversation.

> If there was a book about your life, what would it be called?
"What Fresh Hell Is This?" --Dorothy Parker

> What word describes your sense of style?
Very preppy. Think Abercrobie, Gap, Banana Republic, J. Crew.

> What's your fave article of clothing?
A blue cashmere sweater that used to belong from to my mother. It's from Scotland.

> Describe a typical outfit you'd wear to school.
Jeans, sweater with a collared shirt underneath, Dr. Martens.

> What season are you?
Autumn.

> What's a good brand of make-up?
Clinique.

> How long does it take you to get ready to go out on the weekend?
About an hour, I suppose.

> Sum up your life right now in 5-10 words.
"After four I'm under the host." --Dorothy Parker referring to martinis

1.22.2001

Today is the 28th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade ruling. Pro-lifers are having a March for Life rally in Washington D.C. and calling Roe v. Wade a "tainted law."

How about this? If you are against abortion, don't have one.

Okay, enough abortion ranting from me today.
me: "i've wanted to call you, but when i moved i tried to swear off of you. it didn't work."
him: "you're weird."
This article from the Nerve is absolutely fabulous.

"Yes, I Use Condoms (And Other Lies I've Told)"
Bush blocks abortion funding to international family planning groups.

"We share a great goal: to work toward a day when every child is welcomed in life and protected in law," GWB said.

Question: Would the President like to take care of all the unwanted children that are born everyday? How about all the babies that are thrown in dumpsters or killed by their parents because they didn't have access to safe and legal abortions? As long as people are having sex, there are going to be unwanted pregnancies. Let's not forget that the world is overpopulated and cutting abortion funds to international family planning groups will only exacerbate that problem.
"If you didn't want to be a stranger in my life, you shouldn't have moved three thousand miles away," he said.

Touche.

1.21.2001

coldplay is sold out for february 10th at roseland.

stage is playing february 16th at the vanderbuilt in new york and i won't be there.

it's a sad day.

on february 17 at 8:58pm, my sister will arrive in portland. i wept when she confirmed her visit.
i am so afraid of becoming a stranger in his life. on the phone, the distance between us seems to span eons beyond the mere 3,000 miles. his reaction of surprise and suspicion at the sound of my voice was a dark cloud cast over my hopes of friendship. it is as if our three years together was cut to pieces and now it's bits and pieces of memory floating above my head. i keep reaching up to try and put small pieces back together, but he just keeps snipping the pieces smaller and smaller.
it's different here. i haven't had to wear a winter coat once so far. the air smells like morning dew. i slumber to the sounds of rain falling each night. people have a genuine kindness about them. i get strange looks when i swear like a sailor. i have never noticed that i do in fact have a new york roughness about me. i feel jagged.

i miss the dirty smell of new york. i miss confrontational strangers. i miss the fact that at 3am you can find something to do in new york. i miss 24 hour diners. i miss the local music scene. i miss the smell of my house and my soft bed. i miss my sister.

sometimes lonliness is the price you pay for freedom. i want to get on a plane everyday and go back east. through the ubiquitous lonliness, i know that this was the right thing for me to do.

12.19.2000

i'm moving to portland in sixteen days and he's going to let me go. he's going to let me get on a plane and move three thousand miles away without saying good-bye. for the past year, i've constantly set myself up for disappointment with him. this is the final blow. i told myself that this is the last time i put myself out there for him and after that i'm moving on and not looking back.

but god...no one said how hard it would be.